How To Take A Dna Test

So, you've decided to take a DNA test, huh? You're not alone. It's like the new astrology - suddenly everyone's talking about their ancestry, or trying to figure out why they can't digest gluten. I mean, who knew that great-great-grandpa was actually a Viking? (Probably not grandma, so keep that one on the down-low.)

First things first: Spit or Swab?

Alright, let's get the gross part out of the way. You've got two options here: spit or swab. Saliva tests are like the cool kids' table - they're more common, and they've got a certain je ne sais quoi. But if you're not feeling the whole 'spit in a tube' thing, there's always the swab. It's like a cotton candy at the fair, except you're not supposed to eat it. (Trust me, I've tried. Not great.)

Now, you might be thinking, "But what if I want to test my dog's DNA too?" Well, hold onto your butts, because some companies even offer pet DNA tests. Because why should humans have all the fun? (I mean, have you seen a dog trying to use a computer? They're basically geniuses.)

Find Your Inner Sleuth

Alright, so you've got your sample ready. Now it's time to choose a company. It's like picking a date for the prom - you want someone reliable, but also someone who's going to make you look good at the after-party (i.e., the results party).

Some companies are all about that ancestry life, while others are more into the health side of things. Some even offer both - it's like the buffet of DNA tests. You can have it all! (Just maybe not at the same time. That could get messy.)

And hey, if you're feeling fancy, you can even get a DNA test that tells you what your perfect wine pairing is. Because who doesn't want to know if they're a 'Cabernet Sauvignon' or a 'Pinot Noir'? (I'm personally more of a 'Boxed Wine' myself, but that's just me.)

Mail it in (and other tips)

Alright, so you've got your sample, you've picked your company, now it's time to send it off. It's like sending a kid to their first day of school - you're filled with hope, anticipation, and just a touch of fear (what if they find out you're actually part alien?).

Genetic Genealogy: it’s all in the Hill (DNA) – Part 2, “Operation Spit

But before you stick that bad boy in the mail, make sure you follow the instructions. I once knew a guy who forgot to put his sample in the little baggie. Let's just say the mailman was not amused. (Also, the test came back inconclusive. Coincidence? I think not.)

And hey, while you're waiting for your results, why not brush up on your DNA knowledge? You could learn something crazy, like how DNA is basically just a really long string of A, T, C, and G. (It's like the alphabet of life. Or maybe the periodic table. I never was great at science.)

Results: The Big Reveal

And then, one day, the email arrives. It's like Christmas morning, except instead of presents, you're getting a detailed breakdown of your genetic makeup. (Which, let's be real, is way more exciting than socks.)

You might find out you're part Neanderthal (which explains why you can't resist a good cave), or that you've got a higher than average risk for lactose intolerance (which explains why you always skip the cheese course).

But hey, no matter what your results say, remember: you're unique. You're special. And you're probably not alone - there's someone out there who's also 1.2% Viking and 0.5% alien. (Or maybe that's just me again.)